Asher's Birth Story

Finally (only 10 months later), here is the story of Asher Evan's arrival! I want to remember this story forever.

August 6, 2016

5:30am

Contractions wake me up from sleeping and after a few unsuccessful hours of trying to sleep, I told Peter. I'm pretty sure I said "we're gonna have a baby today!" 8:30am

I asked Peter to make me breakfast so we got up and he made eggs and toast for us; stayed at home laboring all mid-day for about 10 hours *gasp*. We attempted to watch a Harry Potter movie in between contractions while I bounced on a birthing ball, we went on a really hot walk around the neighborhood, I took a hot bath (which I had to get out of because it slowed my contractions wayyyyy down), and we did laps around the kitchen to try to progress labor. Peter even went to our favorite Thai place and got some food to-go for lunch (pork pad woon-sen for me and sushi for him; I'm all about remembering the details!)

3pm

The contractions got really intense so I asked my doula Cassie to head over. All the while I am trying to keep track of them on my phone and I keep forgetting to log them. It was about 1.5min contractions every 4 min. 4pm

Cassie arrives and I am ready to leave for the birth center right then and there so we take the most uncomfortable 20min car ride ever to the birth center! We arrive and the midwife checks me-- 5cm dilated! Woop woop! This momma was so thankful. But-- had to progress lots more. There was only one room open because, surprisingly, another baby was just born in the other room (only 2 rooms are at the center)! So Peter and I walked laps around the darkened, quiet birth center with our doula. I just remember how peaceful it was... and how safe I felt. At some point shortly thereafter, I headed into the shower with just Peter and sat on a birthing ball and let the warm water hit my back for about 20-30 minutes. After that, I tried some different laboring positions. This is where patience came in hand. I was so thankful I had watched all of those YouTube birth videos and read a ton about natural childbirth.

Patience. Is. Key.

I was first at the edge of the bed and then got on the bed hunched over the pillows with Peter next to my face, holding and rubbing my arms (I didn't like him to talk, but just to be fully present with me). He encouraged me so much and I am incredibly thankful for that! It was all such a mind game... it's amazing how much of the battle was inside of my head to keep it together. I also had scripture on notecards that I used at some point. I just had to take one contraction at a time. That's it. One wave at a time. Nothing else.

"I can make it through *this* wave."

After this point, I lose track of time. I remember being nauseas a lot and Cassie would have me inhale peppermint essential oil that she brought and it helped. My sweet midwife Mary checked me at some point (for the second and last time!) and said there was a little lip of my cervix that wasn't moving to the side so I needed to keep progressing.

So we walked.

More laps around the center. During these walks, I would have contractions, lean on Peter, and Cassie would talk me through each one. I don't know of a time in my life that I have ever been this focused in this much pain. I knew I could do it, but this was HARD. My self-control was definitely getting a workout. I kept asking when I could get in the birthing tub (they wanted me to wait a while before I got in because it can slow labor). Finally, when I felt "pushy", and was in the transition phase of labor, I got into the tub. My body literally was pushing *ALL ON ITS OWN*... a feeling I can't describe except to say that I literally had no control over it. So amazing.

At this point, it was dark and far into the evening. Since I was in transition, I had lost all sense of modesty and threw my dress off and got into that tub! I immediately had a huge sense of relief as I sat into the water. I leaned over the side and breathed deep. Peter rubbing my arms and being my comfort. The room was quiet and everyone was waiting with anticipation for baby boy's arrival. Things seemed to get clearer for me. I remember thinking that they must have been so bored waiting for me to birth my baby (HA! Right!) Mary, my midwife, had her hand actually in me trying to pull over the lip of the cervix (sorry if that's TMI!) It was being really stubborn. As I was in the water, my contractions slowed. Mary asked me to get out of the tub and continue walking and to *try* to not push (which is basically impossible) because she wanted me to save my energy for when my pushes would actually be useful after the cervix moved over. You should have seen the disbelief/horror/fear on my face!!! I did NOT want to do that! But I did. I did everything single thing they asked.

"Yes, whatever you say. Let's get this baby out." So we walked. Big, wide steps. Come on sweet boy, please come out. I felt really really pushy at this point and my contractions were FIERCE and the urge to push was literally uncontrollable. I leaned onto Peter and dug down deep, moaning, squatting, and leaning into my heels with each breath and made sure to relax as much as I could. Cassie rubbed my back and reminded me how to relax (breath, relax, low and open). Time stood still.

I would never forget these moments. Ever.

We came back into the room and I tried to sit on the toilet and then the birthing chair, anything to get that cervix to move out of the way! Finally, I laid on the bed and my midwife asked me to lean to one side and then the other so that the pressure would be somewhat relieved from baby boy (he was sitting really low for a while at this point). My body kept pushing on its own and with each contraction I really got behind them and gave it everything I had. This was incredibly hard!!! Mary just calmly encouraged me to keep going, almost in a whisper. She was so amazing and I thanked God that I was here at this birth center with those I trusted most and doing what I knew my body was designed to do. My doula was right by my shoulder recording it as well (ask me if you want to see the video, it's decent I promise!!) I kept feeling him come out a bit and then in between contractions he would go right back up. I was getting a little anxious at this point and felt fear creep into my mind and I started to have visions of going to the ER needing a c-section. But I knew that was a ridiculous lie motivated by fear so I got angry and pushed even harder. Peter was on the bed with me encouraging me how close he was to coming out but with each push I got more and more exhausted. I remember feeling like it was ages in between contractions and I was wishing that each one would hurry up and be quicker so I could push my baby out. But apparently, after watching the video and talking to Cassie, they definitely were right on top of each other. Not much resting... I couldn't believe it. I truly feel like the Lord slowed down time for me in those moments. It was wild.

Time literally stood still for me. A moment seemed like eternity. After pushing on and off for about 4 hours and maybe 1 hour of HARD pushing, Mary said she had to do a little cut if he didn't come out during the next contraction... I gave it everything I had during that next push but I was just so tired and his head was so big. So a quick, little, painless cut and that's all he needed.

There he was!! Screaming and absolutely perfect.

August 7, 2016

2:13am I can clearly remember thinking how strong and sweet of a cry he had and I was so relieved to finally meet my baby. My first reaction was surprise and delight at how well he was screaming and that he looked so "clean"... no blood or white vernix on him hardly at all. He was perfect. He was immediately placed onto my chest and I couldn't believe that I had just given birth to a new human being. 21 hours of labor. Numerous hours of pushing on and off. What an amazing miracle. The fact that I was on no drugs helped me and him bond immediately and my love for him in that moment that much greater.

Peter was right by my side on the bed with me the whole time just watching me and baby boy in awe. I am so thankful for that memory. I honestly was just shocked at all that had just happened. Mary had to put in a few stitches but I hardly noticed because I was too focused on my brand new babe. It was such a joyful, peaceful time in the room just with my new babe, midwife, doula, husband, nurse, and midwife assistant. Smiles all around and a huge sense of relief!! I felt amazing... and that I could do anything in the world.

"Did I actually just birth this baby?" Mary my midwife weighed Asher (8 lbs 0 oz) and did some other measurements. Cassie my doula went out and bought me and Peter breakfast and then we slept a few hours with Asher in bed with us. It was so surreal. After we rested for three hours, Asher nursed for the first time (was so awkward and hurt like crap... my breastfeeding journey is another story to be told in a different blog post!), I got up, tried to pee, got dressed and we headed home after stopping for some lunch. We were in our own home just 9 hours after Asher was born and I was so thankful to be in the comfort of our bed with our new baby boy so shortly after his birth! It was an incredibly beautiful experience and yet the hardest thing I have ever done... and I would do it all over again.

NOTE: I honestly could not have done it without the support of my husband, doula, and the birth center staff. We were an awesome team and they helped keep me calm the whole time. Having a birth at the birth center was also the best decision I could have ever made. It was so peaceful. A natural birth definitely is something that I advocate for but also know that not everyone is able to have a natural birth for one reason or another. I experienced something SO BEAUTIFUL that I wish every woman could experience for herself as well (and the husband too!! it was amazing for Peter to do this WITH me and also be prepped), but more importantly is just to make a TRULY INFORMED DECISION about what you are going to do as you birth your own baby. Get advice from both sides (doctors & midwives). I literally pushed through the FEARI had by leaning on Jesus and asking God to fully prepare me. It's all in your mind. Don't let society/culture/others tell you what is best. EDUCATE yourself. Research everything. Watch videos (this was SO helpful for me to kick the fear aside!!) THEN decide. My first choice was a hospital birth until I actually started to educate myself. So ladies, I encourage you to do the same and do whatever you KNOW is best for your sweet baby.

The Homestretch // 8 months

Hello to week 34; only 6 (or so) more to go!

As I write this, Asher is moving around like crazy on my right side underneath my ribs.  Sometimes it isn't painful but this morning it definitely is!   Even though it hurts, I am so excited that he is growing and getting strong.

This week:

He is the size of a cantaloupe, weighs approx. 5 lbs. and is about 18 in. long.

Recap of the past 2 months:

-he has started hiccuping, it's so sweet!
-his movements have started to hurt
-unable to sleep on my sides anymore (literally have gotten stuck twice, it was horrible)
-aching back (due to sleeping propped up oddly on my back all night)
-hello braxton hicks
-stretching has become imperative every day
-going to the chiropractor once a week
-not able to eat as much, I guess my stomach doesn't have that much room anymore!
-getting more comfortable with the birth center, our bags are packed!!
-it's been difficult trying to balance work, studying for the GRE test, working out, and nesting
-we have everything we need, thanks to our amazing communities in MD and in FL
-my FL community threw me a baby brunch at First Watch, I felt so incredibly loved
-about to start book #4 (or 5?) about labor/delivery. I LOVE learning about all of this and preparing
-just started learning about recovery (I need to do lots more research)
-WE GOT A HOUSE! Praise God. Still searching for that 2nd vehicle though

So since we have a home we can actually make a nursery for our sweet babe! But... it's so close to his due date and I am honestly so exhausted so much that I don't know if I can manage it.  We have all of his things set up in our room and we might just leave it all that way ;)   besides... we have an entire house to furnish first (GASP!)

Hopefully next time I blog, it will be welcoming our sweet baby into this world <3

Introducing Asher // 6 months

So this is our lil guy Asher Evan <3


Asher Evan is a name we finally chose because of the deep meaning and from the peace it brought us as we prayed about it.  Asher means "blessed/fortunate/happy" and Evan means "God has been gracious" and it's also Peter's middle name as well.  We really felt like this fit who our little man is.  He is the blessed one to whom God has shown favor.  We love it!!

Here in the sonogram he is seen sucking his thumb, shoulder touching his chin, and snuggled up against the placenta ;) what an amazing morning it has been seeing him move around inside of me.

He is 23 weeks this week (or, 6 months along) and is moving around like crazy.  He loves to be super low which also puts a ton of pain on my round ligaments (gah!)  But, he looks to be growing really well and is even sucking his thumb which we got to see him do on the sonogram!  This will most likely be the last ultrasound we get until we meet him :)  

Since my last posting at 19 weeks, this past month has been full of new pregnancy-related things for me!  I finished up reading this awesome book called 'Ina May's Guide to Childbirth' by Ina May Gaskin.  It is such a good read and has a ton of research put into it, which I absolutely crave right now.  It seems like I can't get enough information about pregnancy, labor, and childbirth right now.  So, ask away!  I most likely have read about it.  And if I haven't, I'd love to know about it! =) Here are a few things.


Did you know?

Hospitals have a 30-80% c-section rate depending on which one you go to. That reaaaaaally threw me off and made me dig deeper into the why's of the statistic.  I found that by having a home birth or birthing at a birth center the rates go down dramatically, even to 3% in some cases (not to mention the stats on how bad the drugs are for you and baby, the trauma that cesareans put on your body, all of the risks that doctors fail to mention, etc.)  The birth center we decided on only has a 8% transfer to hospital rate, and c-section rates out of that are even lower (and then even LOWER because I am hiring a doula to help me alongside of the midwife).  YES PLEASE!  I also feel like this definitely isn't for everyone because not everyone is low risk.  But, we decided that this is what is best for me and baby.  I also honestly just feel like God is calling me to do this personally.  I can't live in fear of what the world says.  I am standing on what God says I can do and how He has designed my body... perfectly!


Snippets from this past month:

-feeling and seeing him move
-Peter feeling him move
-chose a birth center
-hired a doula
-major round ligament pain
-starting to work out again
-craving tea, ice cream, eggs, and sauerkraut
-starting to receive gifts from our Amazon registry
-his drawers are filling up with clothes already
-emotions going a little wild at times
-fighting off tiredness and backaches

I also have received so many maternity clothes and baby clothes from our community and I am feeling the love tremendously.  I've been seeing how much God has truly taken care of me through the whole process... from giving me other mommas to talk with, to borrowed cars for the past 3 months, to every single hand-me-down.  I am so grateful.

Some things that I still question are like... when will we have a car?  Where are we going to live when we need more space?  But, I know He has a plan that I can trust, even if I can't see it.  Will you pray with us?  To trust in His timing, to be content and full of joy, and for Him to open up doors of provision for us?  Thanks guys!

19 weeks // Boy or Girl?!

19 weeks // Boy or Girl?!

It's a BOY!!!

Today is the day.  I get an ultrasound to determine the sex of our baby!

Backtrack to last weekend.

I felt Baby O. move! I was laying on my stomach on the beach and felt one little "pop" like a little bubble was bursting right below/to the side of my belly button.  That definitely wasn't gas ;) it was so neat to finally feel baby move!  Then, the next day, I felt baby move once again. God, this is so amazing.

Ultrasound this morning.

It was a quick visit but I wasn't upset because we got to see our baby moving around and heard their heartbeat.  Everything looked great.  Then the doctor pointed to a little spot on the sonogram and said "what do you think that is?" and Peter immediately responded "IT'S A PENIS!"  I about died.  Not sure from the hilarity of the moment or because we were totally shocked that it was a boy... we were for SURE that it was going to be a girl!  Totally wrong ;)

-He's the size of a mango this week (I love being able to say "he"!)

-I am feeling a bit more tired than I was a few weeks ago and my stress levels are a bit higher than normal.

-The crib and dresser are freshly painted and we just need a few more things for the room.

-Now we know he is a boy, we can start registering.  I am super excited about this!

-I am looking into birthing centers instead of a hospital *gasp!!* ;) I am pretty confident this is the route I am going to take.  Plus, my doctor is leaving his practice anyway, boo.

(good documentary on Netflix to watch if you're interested: "The Business of Being Born")

So, baby boy, we are so excited to meet you!  You are already such a little prince.  We love you and can't wait to meet you.  Our family & our ywam community is also SUPER excited to meet you as well.  But, please, stay in there for as long as necessary ;) grow grow grow!

Oh, and we need a name.  So let the process begin.  Yay!

Hello Baby O. // 12 Weeks

Hello Baby O. // 12 Weeks

Yep, we are having a baby!  To my amazement, at our ultrasound last week we found out that I was already 11 and a half weeks which was a big surprise :)  I estimated incorrectly that I was only about 8 weeks. Whoops! Peter came with me and we saw baby O. for the first time.  He/she was asleep and then woke up and moved their little arms and legs for us!  We could even see the little fingers and toes... it was SO crazy!!  We also got to hear their heartbeat.  It wasn't real to me before, but now it is definitely VERY real to me.

When we were first married we decided to put ourselves on the "5 year plan" and wait to have a baby... but we couldn't wait and changed that to just 4 years ;)  we are so excited and overjoyed that this little baby is healthy and growing!

Apparently, baby is the size of a clementine this week and I can definitely tell-- I've already gained 5 pounds, I'm very bloated, constantly have to go to the bathroom, have insanely vivid dreams at night, and I am tired all the time.  I had a bought of morning/all day sickness a few weeks ago for just a week and it has already subsided (thank God).  I have also noticed a teeny tiny bump which is exciting to see my belly grow!

Peter has been really supportive too, I am so thankful for him.  He is going to be an amazing Dad.

Well, that's it for now.  Next ultrasound is in 2 weeks.  Grow baby, grow!

Rehab

Hello world, I am still here. Still writing. Still learning.

Over the past year I've come to realize how my heart has been in desperate need of healing. Since leaving my job, going to YWAM, and learning more and more about the Lover of my soul, I can truly say that my heart has been through rehab.

I have been set free.

I never realized how broken I was until I found a newfound joy in truly being set free; set free from past thinking patterns, resentments, and unhealthy relationships; set free from placing the desires of this world before God's dreams and longings for it and His people. I am so grateful for my Father who sees me and who loves me enough to take me from my past and place me in a place of healing and growth.

I have missed blogging... and tonight as I sit wide-eyed in a quiet house with only the sound of a clock ticking and pandora playing classical music to my heart in the background, I feel a sort of nostalgia in my heart.  I've missed writing.  It's my heart... and I want to share what God has been doing in my life with this little community that has built around my blog.  So here's to more blogs in the near future.

Until next time,
Steph

Lessons Learned

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

As I look back on my journey through my Discipleship Training School & our Outreach to the Middle East, my heart fills.  I contemplated at how much I wanted to put out for the internet world to read and decided I won't explain, but wanted to at least share the deep things... even just at a glance.  Here is a little peak at what God did for me through it all:

-Finding JOY in each & every single moment.

-Fighting against depression... & winning. Finally.

-Realizing that I AM worthy of deep friendships.

-Being vulnerable to others brings healing.

-Letting go of my past and becoming FREE.

-Forgiveness that brings breakthrough in my life & relationships.

-A much clearer picture of Gods character, goodness, and sovereignty.

-Trusting Him one step at a time. With everything.

-Letting go of my own agenda and trusting Him through it all.



That's it to my Middle East series. I hope y'all enjoyed!
<3

Dust

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

Feb 20

Looking out the bus window at miles and miles of desert. As far as the eye can see-- dust.

We are all made of dust. We all return to dust. People all over the world are so similar; so much more alike than what we would like to think.

The first taxi we rode in in Ammon was driven by an older man. A devout man. A sick man. We asked if we could pray for him in Isa's (Jesus') name. He started telling us about Islam and how when you pray you have to wash and be clean on the outside. We thought differently, but we listened intently.

We heard his heart. He said we all have one God. Again and again-- One God. We agreed. He said it again. Na'am (yes), Allah, One God. We smiled and nodded in full-hearted agreement.

I saw a side to a Muslim that I had never seen before. I saw God in this man; a devotion and commitment that so many people lack. A layer was peeled back from my eyes of scales and the sun shined a little bit brighter. We said goodbye to the man ("Masalama")-- peace be with him.

I look through the bus window out over the sun-scorched desert. Miles and miles of dust, rocks, and hills. The sun's rays blind my eyes. Miles of reminders that we all come from dust and we all will return. A reminder that we can all be blinded to the reality that we are all here trying to make sense of it all; that maybe we don't have it all together... and that we are all so alike in so many different ways yet so different at the same time.

We are blinded by our skewed perceptions, stereotypes, and fears. Blind to the common ground between us; a mirage between 'us' and 'them'.

Let us open our eyes. See the dust.

Pressing On

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

Feb 1

My day off. A lazy Saturday. Steam rising slowly off tea, looking out the window at skies so blue. Finding comfort in a propane heater and warm socks.

These are the little things I cherish here in the Middle East winter cold. I reminisce about the past week in the Syrian refugee area. I take it all in and I think of how Jesus walked here. How he saw with his eyes the pain; how He heard the stories of the deserted homes, the broken families, and saw past every facade; how He knew the answer to every question and yet people did not receive His solution.

At this moment I have more insight on what losing my life for His sake means. Taking on the life of Christ, living out the task of reconciliation. This mission is vital, urgent, and worth so much more than my own life.

Ripping my eyes open to the truth and leaving my comfort and plans in the past; letting my heart get crushed by the weight of this world and yet still pressing on; living solely moment by moment because I know if I step too far ahead the worries of this world will overcome me.

Living in the wild of this world is where we are called-- in the middle of the dirt, shame, and hurt.  To let Christ exchange our spotlights for His lantern. To give him each step, trusting He knows where He is leading us. Crushing the head of our enemy by pressing on into the darkness with God's light of truth. Pushing back enemy lines. Living a life worthy of the call; a life that 'makes no sense'; 'wasting' our lives on the unseen; walking into places no one dares to go; taking on the armor to face the battle; trusting in our Father who sees the whole picture. 

Pressing on.





*Picture taken in Petra.

Middle East: Hamdulillah

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

Jan 17

As I sit here in the cold living room listening to the call to prayer go off at noon, yet again, I can't help but be reminded of the hurt and pain this religion has stemmed from. From the time Muhammad started seeking for his identity, for a way to change the world, for a way to run from the pain of being orphaned in a culture that considers you as dirt without a family name... I can't help but be saddened by the reality of this religion-- the hopelessness that it holds inside; the holes it leaves in followers' hearts as they seek to fit into a culture where identity is everything. Yet, what is a Muslims' identity? Identity in being a Muslim, and that is that? What does that mean to them? I've seen the eyes of those who are still seeking for something more. Seeking for a place of their own in this world. I see the pain and hurt of their lives in between the fabric of the burka that lays over their face. Hiding. Hiding their pain and their beauty, all in one... yet having so much life at the same time. A life hidden. A life suppressed. Oppressed.

The call to prayer continues. 

It gives me a deep sense of darkness, and yet hope as well. The sun shines in the room. Hope because it lives in me. The hope I hold in Christ is all I can hold onto in a land that is not my own. A place where people stare, whistle and wonder... wondering why I am immersed in their culture and why I have come. Little do they know, nor do I know, how much hope is hidden within me. Yet, it isn't me at all. I guess you don't realize how much joy you truly have inside until you come to a place where you see it being completely ripped from those who have no identity in Christ. A place full of lies, fear, and misunderstanding. A place rejected and torn.

Torn hearts.  Torn families.

Yet, as the call to prayer continues, the sun still stands and shines on this land. A glimmer of hope. A lightness in the midst of heaviness. I breathe again. I hope again. I pray for this land and I see light over it and in it and through the eyes of those who have found hope; who've found refuge in a man. A man they call Isa. Who I've also come to know as Isa; Jesus. Our Messiah. Our savior. Our God who came to unite us all no matter what we call ourselves or how we translate His name.

I see unity and reconciliation, and He is glorious. Hamdulillah.


*Humdulillah- Arabic for "Praise God".

Letting Go of Fear & Perfection

Hello friends!  I have been absent here for quite a while. Fall has seem to snuck up on me and it has come and gone... although here in Florida doesn't seem much like "Fall" at all, let alone Winter now.

I haven't written much lately because I never know what to write about and I feel like it will never be "perfect" to share with everyone.  Yet, I'm realizing that that is not what this blog is about.  This blog is just about me sharing my imperfect life with you-- grammatical errors and all.

I also haven't written anything because I can never decide on a topic.  That's something I struggle with- indecisiveness- and I need to work on this! I couldn't decide whether to write about the Holy Spirit, the huge problem of Nominal Christianity, how God has revealed Himself to me as a Father who actually FEELS, or Forgiveness.  All of these are too hard to choose between!  I'll just touch on some things...

I have been learning so much this past month.  God has been working on my heart and He is teaching me to trust Him and let go of so much I have been holding on to.

On that note-- Peter and I have decided to come back to YWAM after we are finished with our outreach to the Middle East.  I don't know what that will look like exactly, we are still praying for direction.  Yet, we know we are supposed to be here.  I have no idea how this will work financially... but God spoke to me and told me to just keep going back to the last thing He has told me, and the last thing He told me was to come here, so here I will stay until He calls me elsewhere!  He has been telling me to face my fears, and that is what I will do.

I want to live a courageous life for Christ.

I've also learned that God has a Father's heart.  Not like fathers here who have come so short of being perfect, but a Heavenly father who truly understands us.  He's a father who is always here for us, He cares, and He feels our pain and He experiences our joy alongside of us.  He is a Father who has the biggest heart towards His children and He always protects, provides, and loves on us (sometimes in ways we don't quite understand, or in ways we never notice).  I feel so blessed to have this perfect Father in my life.  I've yearned for this aspect of Him my whole life, and He has revealed to me that He has always been a Father to me and He will never disappoint or leave me.

My eyes have also been opening more and more each day I am here.  I explained to Peter just this morning that it feels like I have had scales on my eyes and God has had to gently peel each layer back in His timing and in a way that I can handle it.  I am outraged at some of the ways I have been viewing this world and it angers me how I have done nothing about so many injustices.

God has told His people to GO; to GO to a hurting world and to stop thinking our comfortable lives are more important than HIS calling.  The church is not meant to COME, we are meant to GO.  We come to church, come to bible studies, come to so many events... but when are we GOING?

Go to the lost
to the sick
to those who are poor in spirit
to those who have never heard of Jesus
to those who are different than you
to your enemies
Love them.

These are just a few things that have been on my heart, but it doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg.

God is working on so many aspects of my heart and I am so grateful for that.  I have a lot of learning to do, but I know that I don't ever want to look back.  I want to keep running this race and going to those that are hurting. I want to learn how to love more deeply than I've ever have and to actually experience the heart of Christ.  This is what I want for my life, and I hope that it is reflected in these words, no matter how grammatically incorrect they might be.

Love you all!
Steph

Outreach to the Middle East

Middle East-- here we come!

Bringing the light of the gospel to the hardest and darkest of places... this is what we were born for.

We are so excited to be going to the Middle East in January for two whole months! Peter and I prayed for a long time for the location of our outreach and what the Lord would have us to do, and He has clearly called us to go to these people.  I know that while we are there we will learn SO much about the people, the culture, and we will see the GREATNESS of our God.

Why the Middle East? Not sure, but I know that if we don't go, we would be in disobedience to God. And I fear that over fearing anything and anyone else in my life. I want to follow Jesus wherever He leads me, and to not sway away from that, even if that means going to a place where so many people fear because it is "unsafe" or "corrupt".  This is WHY I am a Christian-- to shine Christ's LIGHT into DARK places! This is what we were made for. Oh, and yes we are being wise about what we are doing and where we are going there.  We have some amazing leaders taking us!

Also-- the people here are so receptive to the Gospel, and they want to know who Jesus is.  Reminds me of the verse where Jesus says to His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field". -Matthew 9:34-35.  This is why we are going.  We will also be teaching them English while we are there, so we are helping them in a tangible way that will be useful for them in their everyday lives.  I can't wait for this! I never imagined I would have this opportunity.

Why go on missions in general? Because seeing God in these other nations, makes my view of Him GREATER, not smaller. He gets the MAXIMUM GLORY.

It makes me more aware that God is working in the hearts of those in other nations, and not just my own.  It makes my view of myself and my home country so much less inflated.  It reminds me that God has called every one of us Christ-followers to GO and proclaim the Gospel to every nation, tribe, and tongue.  We are all a family in Christ.  And if we don't do this, if we are not obedient to the calling He has on our lives, then how can we say that we truly love Him?  Just something that I've been thinking about.

I have great conviction of this in my heart, and I am praying diligently that others would too. Missions isn't just for some of us, it is for ALL of us.  And usually, when you reach other nations, you not only "bless" them... you get so much more blessing in return.  It's incredible. God wants us to serve Him in every aspect of life; to get out of our comfortable houses and our comfort zones; to let go of our insecurities and to let down our walls, and FOLLOW HIM.  Won't you listen?

Set My Heart on Fire - YWAM Week One!

Long over-due post!  So we are finally at YWAM Orlando!!!  This picture is of the lake that is on campus, it is beautiful here. God has truly been so faithful to me and my husband through this whole thing.  Fundraising the money, making new friendships, building upon old ones, and reaching out to our community... it's blessed us SO much.

God has set our hearts on fire for Him.

I've never hungered for God this much in my life.  This week in DTS we've learned about 'Hearing the Voice of God' and it's blessed us both so so much.  We have been hearing from Him in ways that I never realized were possible and I wish I had learned this so much earlier in my walk with Him.

The other morning during my quiet time, I really heard from God personally.  After I was done praying and reading, I just sat still with Him.  I asked Him what He thought about me, and then I listened. I truly listened and didn't dismiss it as "my own voice".  I had faith it was His.  He longs to speak to us, we just need to be willing to listen!  And you know what?  He answered me!  He said I am loved, cherished, and beautiful.  Just the words I needed to hear.

Oh, how He loves us.

I am so humbled at how much I have realized that I DON'T know about God.  There is SO much for us to learn!  It's crazy how much we have been learning this first week of school and we are so excited to learn more and more.  We've been meeting really awesome people in class, on street corners, and in coffee shops.

This time has also been hard for me.  I am realizing how I have a very skewed view of myself and who I am.

A misconception of self.

God is working on me.  He is working on how I relate to people; learning how to trust others again.  I am learning who I am IN HIM-- not in my definition of myself, nor the worlds'; I am who GOD says I am.  No one else.  I am loved. Redeemed. Precious in His eyes. His daughter, who is greatly loved.  He has truly set my heart on fire and I am so ready for more of Him!

Derek Johnson - I Belong to You

What Do I Do with My Life?

What Do I Do with My Life?

That used to be THE question.

All through high school and college I would constantly question myself as to what job I was going to have.  This inevitably led to stress and anxiety about my future.  It made my life one big headache.

I just didn't know what I wanted to DO with my life. I was consumed with this question and some of my family would frequently ask about it as well (out of love of course, but it didn't make it any easier for me).  But who says a JOB is the meaning of life?  Who says a job is the most important thing to figure out, and if you don't, you're a failure?  And the big one-- who says a career defines your worth? I don't understand! What about BECOMING the person you were made to be? Not just having a good career...

It all boils down to money and security, especially living in America. Why do we yearn for security so much? Why is that what life is all about?  If I had to choose between a solid, stable, well-paying career or a not-that-great-paying job with a life filled with wanderlust, joy, and contentment without all the STUFF, you better believe I'd choose the latter.

After intently searching for my dream job, changing my major three times, applying to numerous different programs at many different schools, I came to the conclusion that life is so much more than just yearning for those things that do not have any eternal worth.

Recently I quit my well-paying job and sought what God has for my life.  And yes, I am grateful that I worked there because it enabled me to pay off my student debt I accrued while I was searching for that perfect degree and career.  Ironic, huh?

But as for my life now, I am BECOMING more of the person that God has made me to be. I don't worry about what I am going to DO with my life, God's got that. He has a plan.  Recently, I've had more time to seek Him more diligently and give my heart rest in the mere fact that I don't have to have all of it figured out. Surprisingly, I'm at peace about it. I am filled with joy!

He's revealed to me what my life purpose is! I guess you're wondering what that is?

To follow Him. To trust that He has me every step of the way.

That's it.

And day by day, He gives me a new little glimpse into my destiny. I think I can 'kind of' see what my future looks like from a distance... but that's like trying to look at a train close up (thank you Pastor Brian for this analogy!)  All I see are the box cars flying by me and it takes my breath away.  I can't understand my life from this close up; only God can.  God can see the whole train from above and He sees my life, your life, from beginning to end. And THAT is what I am trusting in.

Coming back to destiny... quite honestly, my destiny is heaven.  I rest assured in that.  While here on this earth, my role is to proclaim the gospel that brings salvation through Jesus Christ to every single nation, tribe, and tongue.  This is the work that Jesus has started and I'm here to continue it.  What an amazing destiny God has planned out for those who love Him! So I encourage all who are reading this to cling to the hope that God has given us and to stop worrying about 'what am I going to do with my life?' and 'I need to have a solid career to be successful'... just trust that God has a bigger plan for you.  Pursue Him and everything else that you need to do in this life will follow suit.

Uncovering Hope one piece at a time, and I am SO enjoying it :)

Love, Steph

Stepping Stones- update #2

Update part 2!

As we move closer and closer to our departure date to YWAM, I am excited to announce that we have hit our goal of $7,400 for our tuition fees!!

Only $5,600 left to go!

That means, we are now solely raising funds for our Outreach in January.  We can now pay for our tuition!

We still need your help and we still need your prayers.  We will be fundraising up until December.  Please pray that people's hearts would be moved to help us.  I haven't got any action from my PayPal account either, so please be aware that that is always an option to give as well :)

FUNDRAISING EVENTS-- Photo shoots!! Having mini-sessions all day with Becky on Saturday! Can't wait to see everyone there! Check out her blog, here.

And also, a YARD SALE! Be there or be square on August 10th from 7-1 at 6228 Seal Place, Waldorf, MD  20603 in the Hampshire neighborhood (we will be directly on Hampshire Circle across from the townhomes).  We are collecting donations for this event, if you all have anything you would like to get rid of!

**If you have received a letter in the mail, please get those back to me by August 8th so I can have a feel for what we are looking at in the next couple of months.**

ALSO!! We really do need monthly sponsors for our trip.  We honestly have drained a huge chunk of our savings for this, knowing God will provide for us. Please pray about sponsoring us while we are at school. We still need the funds for personal care, laundry, snacks (cause we all know Peter and I both are bottomless pits), and weekend gas money.

Thanks for keeping up with us :)

Love, Steph

Stepping Stones - PayPal account link & an update on YWAM funds!

$5,500

That's how much we have raised for YWAM!! Thank you to all who have helped :)  Either by donations, helping with fundraising events, and/or your prayers.  Y'all are so awesome!

That means, approximately only $7,500 left to go! I know God will provide for us, in HIS timing.

Pay-Pal Account:

I finally set this up!  Find the "Donate" button on the top right side of this page if you'd like to  contribute.  You do NOT have to have a PayPal account to donate; PayPal's fees are 2.9% + $0.30 for each transaction (taken out of the donation).  You will not pay any fees for using this service.  This PayPal account is solely for YWAM funds; it is not tax-deductible, but a quick, easy way to give nonetheless!


Tax-deductible donations:

For tax deductions, you can give to us through our church:

Potomac Heights Baptist Church
37 Glymont Road
Indian Head, MD  20640

(check to church; our names on the memo line).


These are just our stepping stones, taking one day at a time... trusting God in each and every step.  There is so much freedom living life like this.  Sometimes I get caught up in trying to have the whole picture figured out, but in this, I just can't.  I  can't even pretend to be in control of this situation (or of my life for that matter) anymore.  It's out of my hands, and whatever God wants to do with me, He can!  I feel safe in this place :)

I will continue to give updates on our journey; thank you for keeping up with us!  Please continue to pray for our faith, trust, hope, and funds.

Thank you guys!! <3

Change of Direction

Sometimes God changes our course slowly, or rather abruptly.  For me, He did both, all at the same time.  He has given me a change of direction.

If you've been keeping up with me, you know that Peter and I were planning on going to a missionary training school in Australia. And if you know me, you know that I have at a pretty good, secure, decently-paying job. Yet-- all of this has changed in the past couple weeks.  I've prayed, sought advice, and have cried over these two things in my life.  One that has brought much joy and the other that has brought a lot of pain.  Then, I heard God quietly whispering to me...

'You can quit your job now.'

'You won't be going to Australia.'

.....What?! God, why now?! Why didn't you tell me this BEFORE I applied to YWAM in Australia? Why didn't I quit my job six months ago?!


The job prayer was answered slowly, and the Australia prayer was answered pretty quickly.  Still, I wrestled with these thoughts and with God.  Deep down inside though, I was relieved.  This was God answering my prayers of bringing me joy, peace, and provision.  After looking back on these decisions, I know that I had God's approval and His blessings on both of them.  And quite frankly-- that's all that matters.

Concerning Australia, maybe this just isn't God's timing.  We've decided that we are going (God-willing) to YWAM in Orlando, Florida instead.  I am truly excited to go to Florida, especially since we can come home for Christmas! After all, Australia would have been insanely expensive-- God's answers to our prayers (financially in this case) are quite simple sometimes, if only we would listen.

As for my job?  I thank God that I had it, and I thank Him that I am no longer there as well; it provided a way for me to pay off my school loans and to meet some pretty awesome people.  For a long time, I loved my job and I didn't mind the commute that much.  But then my heart started changing, and I started having an uneasy feeling in my soul, deep down that I just couldn't shake.  So, I had to make a change.

I hope I made an impact on each person there, I really do miss them already.  I hope they saw the light of Christ through me; I hope that I brought Jesus into their lives; I hope they turn their lives over to Him (and in some cases, to continue to fight the good faith and endure until the end, and I will see them all again)... but that's in God's hands, not mine.. and I'm at peace with that (to all the ladies there reading this-- I love you!)

My decisions caused concern for some people (especially since I was quitting my job and have no other job in sight lined up), but I have to remind myself of 1 Thessalonians 2:4 that says,

'But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak [and live our lives], not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.

I always seem to try to plan out my life, but God always comes along side of me and wrecks my life for the better. 

His answers caused a wrestling within my heart that caused both fear and undeniable joy.  I choose to fight for the joy and to abolish the fear in my heart-- and I encourage everyone reading this to do the same.  Don't live your life in fear, it is from the enemy who wages war against our souls.  God wants what is best for us, and He brings an all-consuming joy and rest for our souls.

Looking back on this past month, God has been nothing short of amazing. I can't express everything I'd like to that is on my heart in this post-- it would never end.  I just hope that God is being honored and glorified by my life and that people would see that I am not trusting in the comforts and security of this world.  It does not last.  The only things that last are those things that cannot be seen; the eternal.  This is why I live my life the way I do.

God bless you guys, and live your life to the fullest, in honor of the one true living God; we only have one chance to do so.