Asher's Birth Story

Finally (only 10 months later), here is the story of Asher Evan's arrival! I want to remember this story forever.

August 6, 2016

5:30am

Contractions wake me up from sleeping and after a few unsuccessful hours of trying to sleep, I told Peter. I'm pretty sure I said "we're gonna have a baby today!" 8:30am

I asked Peter to make me breakfast so we got up and he made eggs and toast for us; stayed at home laboring all mid-day for about 10 hours *gasp*. We attempted to watch a Harry Potter movie in between contractions while I bounced on a birthing ball, we went on a really hot walk around the neighborhood, I took a hot bath (which I had to get out of because it slowed my contractions wayyyyy down), and we did laps around the kitchen to try to progress labor. Peter even went to our favorite Thai place and got some food to-go for lunch (pork pad woon-sen for me and sushi for him; I'm all about remembering the details!)

3pm

The contractions got really intense so I asked my doula Cassie to head over. All the while I am trying to keep track of them on my phone and I keep forgetting to log them. It was about 1.5min contractions every 4 min. 4pm

Cassie arrives and I am ready to leave for the birth center right then and there so we take the most uncomfortable 20min car ride ever to the birth center! We arrive and the midwife checks me-- 5cm dilated! Woop woop! This momma was so thankful. But-- had to progress lots more. There was only one room open because, surprisingly, another baby was just born in the other room (only 2 rooms are at the center)! So Peter and I walked laps around the darkened, quiet birth center with our doula. I just remember how peaceful it was... and how safe I felt. At some point shortly thereafter, I headed into the shower with just Peter and sat on a birthing ball and let the warm water hit my back for about 20-30 minutes. After that, I tried some different laboring positions. This is where patience came in hand. I was so thankful I had watched all of those YouTube birth videos and read a ton about natural childbirth.

Patience. Is. Key.

I was first at the edge of the bed and then got on the bed hunched over the pillows with Peter next to my face, holding and rubbing my arms (I didn't like him to talk, but just to be fully present with me). He encouraged me so much and I am incredibly thankful for that! It was all such a mind game... it's amazing how much of the battle was inside of my head to keep it together. I also had scripture on notecards that I used at some point. I just had to take one contraction at a time. That's it. One wave at a time. Nothing else.

"I can make it through *this* wave."

After this point, I lose track of time. I remember being nauseas a lot and Cassie would have me inhale peppermint essential oil that she brought and it helped. My sweet midwife Mary checked me at some point (for the second and last time!) and said there was a little lip of my cervix that wasn't moving to the side so I needed to keep progressing.

So we walked.

More laps around the center. During these walks, I would have contractions, lean on Peter, and Cassie would talk me through each one. I don't know of a time in my life that I have ever been this focused in this much pain. I knew I could do it, but this was HARD. My self-control was definitely getting a workout. I kept asking when I could get in the birthing tub (they wanted me to wait a while before I got in because it can slow labor). Finally, when I felt "pushy", and was in the transition phase of labor, I got into the tub. My body literally was pushing *ALL ON ITS OWN*... a feeling I can't describe except to say that I literally had no control over it. So amazing.

At this point, it was dark and far into the evening. Since I was in transition, I had lost all sense of modesty and threw my dress off and got into that tub! I immediately had a huge sense of relief as I sat into the water. I leaned over the side and breathed deep. Peter rubbing my arms and being my comfort. The room was quiet and everyone was waiting with anticipation for baby boy's arrival. Things seemed to get clearer for me. I remember thinking that they must have been so bored waiting for me to birth my baby (HA! Right!) Mary, my midwife, had her hand actually in me trying to pull over the lip of the cervix (sorry if that's TMI!) It was being really stubborn. As I was in the water, my contractions slowed. Mary asked me to get out of the tub and continue walking and to *try* to not push (which is basically impossible) because she wanted me to save my energy for when my pushes would actually be useful after the cervix moved over. You should have seen the disbelief/horror/fear on my face!!! I did NOT want to do that! But I did. I did everything single thing they asked.

"Yes, whatever you say. Let's get this baby out." So we walked. Big, wide steps. Come on sweet boy, please come out. I felt really really pushy at this point and my contractions were FIERCE and the urge to push was literally uncontrollable. I leaned onto Peter and dug down deep, moaning, squatting, and leaning into my heels with each breath and made sure to relax as much as I could. Cassie rubbed my back and reminded me how to relax (breath, relax, low and open). Time stood still.

I would never forget these moments. Ever.

We came back into the room and I tried to sit on the toilet and then the birthing chair, anything to get that cervix to move out of the way! Finally, I laid on the bed and my midwife asked me to lean to one side and then the other so that the pressure would be somewhat relieved from baby boy (he was sitting really low for a while at this point). My body kept pushing on its own and with each contraction I really got behind them and gave it everything I had. This was incredibly hard!!! Mary just calmly encouraged me to keep going, almost in a whisper. She was so amazing and I thanked God that I was here at this birth center with those I trusted most and doing what I knew my body was designed to do. My doula was right by my shoulder recording it as well (ask me if you want to see the video, it's decent I promise!!) I kept feeling him come out a bit and then in between contractions he would go right back up. I was getting a little anxious at this point and felt fear creep into my mind and I started to have visions of going to the ER needing a c-section. But I knew that was a ridiculous lie motivated by fear so I got angry and pushed even harder. Peter was on the bed with me encouraging me how close he was to coming out but with each push I got more and more exhausted. I remember feeling like it was ages in between contractions and I was wishing that each one would hurry up and be quicker so I could push my baby out. But apparently, after watching the video and talking to Cassie, they definitely were right on top of each other. Not much resting... I couldn't believe it. I truly feel like the Lord slowed down time for me in those moments. It was wild.

Time literally stood still for me. A moment seemed like eternity. After pushing on and off for about 4 hours and maybe 1 hour of HARD pushing, Mary said she had to do a little cut if he didn't come out during the next contraction... I gave it everything I had during that next push but I was just so tired and his head was so big. So a quick, little, painless cut and that's all he needed.

There he was!! Screaming and absolutely perfect.

August 7, 2016

2:13am I can clearly remember thinking how strong and sweet of a cry he had and I was so relieved to finally meet my baby. My first reaction was surprise and delight at how well he was screaming and that he looked so "clean"... no blood or white vernix on him hardly at all. He was perfect. He was immediately placed onto my chest and I couldn't believe that I had just given birth to a new human being. 21 hours of labor. Numerous hours of pushing on and off. What an amazing miracle. The fact that I was on no drugs helped me and him bond immediately and my love for him in that moment that much greater.

Peter was right by my side on the bed with me the whole time just watching me and baby boy in awe. I am so thankful for that memory. I honestly was just shocked at all that had just happened. Mary had to put in a few stitches but I hardly noticed because I was too focused on my brand new babe. It was such a joyful, peaceful time in the room just with my new babe, midwife, doula, husband, nurse, and midwife assistant. Smiles all around and a huge sense of relief!! I felt amazing... and that I could do anything in the world.

"Did I actually just birth this baby?" Mary my midwife weighed Asher (8 lbs 0 oz) and did some other measurements. Cassie my doula went out and bought me and Peter breakfast and then we slept a few hours with Asher in bed with us. It was so surreal. After we rested for three hours, Asher nursed for the first time (was so awkward and hurt like crap... my breastfeeding journey is another story to be told in a different blog post!), I got up, tried to pee, got dressed and we headed home after stopping for some lunch. We were in our own home just 9 hours after Asher was born and I was so thankful to be in the comfort of our bed with our new baby boy so shortly after his birth! It was an incredibly beautiful experience and yet the hardest thing I have ever done... and I would do it all over again.

NOTE: I honestly could not have done it without the support of my husband, doula, and the birth center staff. We were an awesome team and they helped keep me calm the whole time. Having a birth at the birth center was also the best decision I could have ever made. It was so peaceful. A natural birth definitely is something that I advocate for but also know that not everyone is able to have a natural birth for one reason or another. I experienced something SO BEAUTIFUL that I wish every woman could experience for herself as well (and the husband too!! it was amazing for Peter to do this WITH me and also be prepped), but more importantly is just to make a TRULY INFORMED DECISION about what you are going to do as you birth your own baby. Get advice from both sides (doctors & midwives). I literally pushed through the FEARI had by leaning on Jesus and asking God to fully prepare me. It's all in your mind. Don't let society/culture/others tell you what is best. EDUCATE yourself. Research everything. Watch videos (this was SO helpful for me to kick the fear aside!!) THEN decide. My first choice was a hospital birth until I actually started to educate myself. So ladies, I encourage you to do the same and do whatever you KNOW is best for your sweet baby.

Letting Go of Fear & Perfection

Hello friends!  I have been absent here for quite a while. Fall has seem to snuck up on me and it has come and gone... although here in Florida doesn't seem much like "Fall" at all, let alone Winter now.

I haven't written much lately because I never know what to write about and I feel like it will never be "perfect" to share with everyone.  Yet, I'm realizing that that is not what this blog is about.  This blog is just about me sharing my imperfect life with you-- grammatical errors and all.

I also haven't written anything because I can never decide on a topic.  That's something I struggle with- indecisiveness- and I need to work on this! I couldn't decide whether to write about the Holy Spirit, the huge problem of Nominal Christianity, how God has revealed Himself to me as a Father who actually FEELS, or Forgiveness.  All of these are too hard to choose between!  I'll just touch on some things...

I have been learning so much this past month.  God has been working on my heart and He is teaching me to trust Him and let go of so much I have been holding on to.

On that note-- Peter and I have decided to come back to YWAM after we are finished with our outreach to the Middle East.  I don't know what that will look like exactly, we are still praying for direction.  Yet, we know we are supposed to be here.  I have no idea how this will work financially... but God spoke to me and told me to just keep going back to the last thing He has told me, and the last thing He told me was to come here, so here I will stay until He calls me elsewhere!  He has been telling me to face my fears, and that is what I will do.

I want to live a courageous life for Christ.

I've also learned that God has a Father's heart.  Not like fathers here who have come so short of being perfect, but a Heavenly father who truly understands us.  He's a father who is always here for us, He cares, and He feels our pain and He experiences our joy alongside of us.  He is a Father who has the biggest heart towards His children and He always protects, provides, and loves on us (sometimes in ways we don't quite understand, or in ways we never notice).  I feel so blessed to have this perfect Father in my life.  I've yearned for this aspect of Him my whole life, and He has revealed to me that He has always been a Father to me and He will never disappoint or leave me.

My eyes have also been opening more and more each day I am here.  I explained to Peter just this morning that it feels like I have had scales on my eyes and God has had to gently peel each layer back in His timing and in a way that I can handle it.  I am outraged at some of the ways I have been viewing this world and it angers me how I have done nothing about so many injustices.

God has told His people to GO; to GO to a hurting world and to stop thinking our comfortable lives are more important than HIS calling.  The church is not meant to COME, we are meant to GO.  We come to church, come to bible studies, come to so many events... but when are we GOING?

Go to the lost
to the sick
to those who are poor in spirit
to those who have never heard of Jesus
to those who are different than you
to your enemies
Love them.

These are just a few things that have been on my heart, but it doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg.

God is working on so many aspects of my heart and I am so grateful for that.  I have a lot of learning to do, but I know that I don't ever want to look back.  I want to keep running this race and going to those that are hurting. I want to learn how to love more deeply than I've ever have and to actually experience the heart of Christ.  This is what I want for my life, and I hope that it is reflected in these words, no matter how grammatically incorrect they might be.

Love you all!
Steph

What Do I Do with My Life?

What Do I Do with My Life?

That used to be THE question.

All through high school and college I would constantly question myself as to what job I was going to have.  This inevitably led to stress and anxiety about my future.  It made my life one big headache.

I just didn't know what I wanted to DO with my life. I was consumed with this question and some of my family would frequently ask about it as well (out of love of course, but it didn't make it any easier for me).  But who says a JOB is the meaning of life?  Who says a job is the most important thing to figure out, and if you don't, you're a failure?  And the big one-- who says a career defines your worth? I don't understand! What about BECOMING the person you were made to be? Not just having a good career...

It all boils down to money and security, especially living in America. Why do we yearn for security so much? Why is that what life is all about?  If I had to choose between a solid, stable, well-paying career or a not-that-great-paying job with a life filled with wanderlust, joy, and contentment without all the STUFF, you better believe I'd choose the latter.

After intently searching for my dream job, changing my major three times, applying to numerous different programs at many different schools, I came to the conclusion that life is so much more than just yearning for those things that do not have any eternal worth.

Recently I quit my well-paying job and sought what God has for my life.  And yes, I am grateful that I worked there because it enabled me to pay off my student debt I accrued while I was searching for that perfect degree and career.  Ironic, huh?

But as for my life now, I am BECOMING more of the person that God has made me to be. I don't worry about what I am going to DO with my life, God's got that. He has a plan.  Recently, I've had more time to seek Him more diligently and give my heart rest in the mere fact that I don't have to have all of it figured out. Surprisingly, I'm at peace about it. I am filled with joy!

He's revealed to me what my life purpose is! I guess you're wondering what that is?

To follow Him. To trust that He has me every step of the way.

That's it.

And day by day, He gives me a new little glimpse into my destiny. I think I can 'kind of' see what my future looks like from a distance... but that's like trying to look at a train close up (thank you Pastor Brian for this analogy!)  All I see are the box cars flying by me and it takes my breath away.  I can't understand my life from this close up; only God can.  God can see the whole train from above and He sees my life, your life, from beginning to end. And THAT is what I am trusting in.

Coming back to destiny... quite honestly, my destiny is heaven.  I rest assured in that.  While here on this earth, my role is to proclaim the gospel that brings salvation through Jesus Christ to every single nation, tribe, and tongue.  This is the work that Jesus has started and I'm here to continue it.  What an amazing destiny God has planned out for those who love Him! So I encourage all who are reading this to cling to the hope that God has given us and to stop worrying about 'what am I going to do with my life?' and 'I need to have a solid career to be successful'... just trust that God has a bigger plan for you.  Pursue Him and everything else that you need to do in this life will follow suit.

Uncovering Hope one piece at a time, and I am SO enjoying it :)

Love, Steph

Change of Direction

Sometimes God changes our course slowly, or rather abruptly.  For me, He did both, all at the same time.  He has given me a change of direction.

If you've been keeping up with me, you know that Peter and I were planning on going to a missionary training school in Australia. And if you know me, you know that I have at a pretty good, secure, decently-paying job. Yet-- all of this has changed in the past couple weeks.  I've prayed, sought advice, and have cried over these two things in my life.  One that has brought much joy and the other that has brought a lot of pain.  Then, I heard God quietly whispering to me...

'You can quit your job now.'

'You won't be going to Australia.'

.....What?! God, why now?! Why didn't you tell me this BEFORE I applied to YWAM in Australia? Why didn't I quit my job six months ago?!


The job prayer was answered slowly, and the Australia prayer was answered pretty quickly.  Still, I wrestled with these thoughts and with God.  Deep down inside though, I was relieved.  This was God answering my prayers of bringing me joy, peace, and provision.  After looking back on these decisions, I know that I had God's approval and His blessings on both of them.  And quite frankly-- that's all that matters.

Concerning Australia, maybe this just isn't God's timing.  We've decided that we are going (God-willing) to YWAM in Orlando, Florida instead.  I am truly excited to go to Florida, especially since we can come home for Christmas! After all, Australia would have been insanely expensive-- God's answers to our prayers (financially in this case) are quite simple sometimes, if only we would listen.

As for my job?  I thank God that I had it, and I thank Him that I am no longer there as well; it provided a way for me to pay off my school loans and to meet some pretty awesome people.  For a long time, I loved my job and I didn't mind the commute that much.  But then my heart started changing, and I started having an uneasy feeling in my soul, deep down that I just couldn't shake.  So, I had to make a change.

I hope I made an impact on each person there, I really do miss them already.  I hope they saw the light of Christ through me; I hope that I brought Jesus into their lives; I hope they turn their lives over to Him (and in some cases, to continue to fight the good faith and endure until the end, and I will see them all again)... but that's in God's hands, not mine.. and I'm at peace with that (to all the ladies there reading this-- I love you!)

My decisions caused concern for some people (especially since I was quitting my job and have no other job in sight lined up), but I have to remind myself of 1 Thessalonians 2:4 that says,

'But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak [and live our lives], not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.

I always seem to try to plan out my life, but God always comes along side of me and wrecks my life for the better. 

His answers caused a wrestling within my heart that caused both fear and undeniable joy.  I choose to fight for the joy and to abolish the fear in my heart-- and I encourage everyone reading this to do the same.  Don't live your life in fear, it is from the enemy who wages war against our souls.  God wants what is best for us, and He brings an all-consuming joy and rest for our souls.

Looking back on this past month, God has been nothing short of amazing. I can't express everything I'd like to that is on my heart in this post-- it would never end.  I just hope that God is being honored and glorified by my life and that people would see that I am not trusting in the comforts and security of this world.  It does not last.  The only things that last are those things that cannot be seen; the eternal.  This is why I live my life the way I do.

God bless you guys, and live your life to the fullest, in honor of the one true living God; we only have one chance to do so.