Rehab

Hello world, I am still here. Still writing. Still learning.

Over the past year I've come to realize how my heart has been in desperate need of healing. Since leaving my job, going to YWAM, and learning more and more about the Lover of my soul, I can truly say that my heart has been through rehab.

I have been set free.

I never realized how broken I was until I found a newfound joy in truly being set free; set free from past thinking patterns, resentments, and unhealthy relationships; set free from placing the desires of this world before God's dreams and longings for it and His people. I am so grateful for my Father who sees me and who loves me enough to take me from my past and place me in a place of healing and growth.

I have missed blogging... and tonight as I sit wide-eyed in a quiet house with only the sound of a clock ticking and pandora playing classical music to my heart in the background, I feel a sort of nostalgia in my heart.  I've missed writing.  It's my heart... and I want to share what God has been doing in my life with this little community that has built around my blog.  So here's to more blogs in the near future.

Until next time,
Steph

Lessons Learned

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

As I look back on my journey through my Discipleship Training School & our Outreach to the Middle East, my heart fills.  I contemplated at how much I wanted to put out for the internet world to read and decided I won't explain, but wanted to at least share the deep things... even just at a glance.  Here is a little peak at what God did for me through it all:

-Finding JOY in each & every single moment.

-Fighting against depression... & winning. Finally.

-Realizing that I AM worthy of deep friendships.

-Being vulnerable to others brings healing.

-Letting go of my past and becoming FREE.

-Forgiveness that brings breakthrough in my life & relationships.

-A much clearer picture of Gods character, goodness, and sovereignty.

-Trusting Him one step at a time. With everything.

-Letting go of my own agenda and trusting Him through it all.



That's it to my Middle East series. I hope y'all enjoyed!
<3

Dust

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

Feb 20

Looking out the bus window at miles and miles of desert. As far as the eye can see-- dust.

We are all made of dust. We all return to dust. People all over the world are so similar; so much more alike than what we would like to think.

The first taxi we rode in in Ammon was driven by an older man. A devout man. A sick man. We asked if we could pray for him in Isa's (Jesus') name. He started telling us about Islam and how when you pray you have to wash and be clean on the outside. We thought differently, but we listened intently.

We heard his heart. He said we all have one God. Again and again-- One God. We agreed. He said it again. Na'am (yes), Allah, One God. We smiled and nodded in full-hearted agreement.

I saw a side to a Muslim that I had never seen before. I saw God in this man; a devotion and commitment that so many people lack. A layer was peeled back from my eyes of scales and the sun shined a little bit brighter. We said goodbye to the man ("Masalama")-- peace be with him.

I look through the bus window out over the sun-scorched desert. Miles and miles of dust, rocks, and hills. The sun's rays blind my eyes. Miles of reminders that we all come from dust and we all will return. A reminder that we can all be blinded to the reality that we are all here trying to make sense of it all; that maybe we don't have it all together... and that we are all so alike in so many different ways yet so different at the same time.

We are blinded by our skewed perceptions, stereotypes, and fears. Blind to the common ground between us; a mirage between 'us' and 'them'.

Let us open our eyes. See the dust.

Pressing On

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

Feb 1

My day off. A lazy Saturday. Steam rising slowly off tea, looking out the window at skies so blue. Finding comfort in a propane heater and warm socks.

These are the little things I cherish here in the Middle East winter cold. I reminisce about the past week in the Syrian refugee area. I take it all in and I think of how Jesus walked here. How he saw with his eyes the pain; how He heard the stories of the deserted homes, the broken families, and saw past every facade; how He knew the answer to every question and yet people did not receive His solution.

At this moment I have more insight on what losing my life for His sake means. Taking on the life of Christ, living out the task of reconciliation. This mission is vital, urgent, and worth so much more than my own life.

Ripping my eyes open to the truth and leaving my comfort and plans in the past; letting my heart get crushed by the weight of this world and yet still pressing on; living solely moment by moment because I know if I step too far ahead the worries of this world will overcome me.

Living in the wild of this world is where we are called-- in the middle of the dirt, shame, and hurt.  To let Christ exchange our spotlights for His lantern. To give him each step, trusting He knows where He is leading us. Crushing the head of our enemy by pressing on into the darkness with God's light of truth. Pushing back enemy lines. Living a life worthy of the call; a life that 'makes no sense'; 'wasting' our lives on the unseen; walking into places no one dares to go; taking on the armor to face the battle; trusting in our Father who sees the whole picture. 

Pressing on.





*Picture taken in Petra.

Middle East: Hamdulillah

Blog Series: Middle East

A look back at the journey God took me on and urged me to write about while I was there.

Jan 17

As I sit here in the cold living room listening to the call to prayer go off at noon, yet again, I can't help but be reminded of the hurt and pain this religion has stemmed from. From the time Muhammad started seeking for his identity, for a way to change the world, for a way to run from the pain of being orphaned in a culture that considers you as dirt without a family name... I can't help but be saddened by the reality of this religion-- the hopelessness that it holds inside; the holes it leaves in followers' hearts as they seek to fit into a culture where identity is everything. Yet, what is a Muslims' identity? Identity in being a Muslim, and that is that? What does that mean to them? I've seen the eyes of those who are still seeking for something more. Seeking for a place of their own in this world. I see the pain and hurt of their lives in between the fabric of the burka that lays over their face. Hiding. Hiding their pain and their beauty, all in one... yet having so much life at the same time. A life hidden. A life suppressed. Oppressed.

The call to prayer continues. 

It gives me a deep sense of darkness, and yet hope as well. The sun shines in the room. Hope because it lives in me. The hope I hold in Christ is all I can hold onto in a land that is not my own. A place where people stare, whistle and wonder... wondering why I am immersed in their culture and why I have come. Little do they know, nor do I know, how much hope is hidden within me. Yet, it isn't me at all. I guess you don't realize how much joy you truly have inside until you come to a place where you see it being completely ripped from those who have no identity in Christ. A place full of lies, fear, and misunderstanding. A place rejected and torn.

Torn hearts.  Torn families.

Yet, as the call to prayer continues, the sun still stands and shines on this land. A glimmer of hope. A lightness in the midst of heaviness. I breathe again. I hope again. I pray for this land and I see light over it and in it and through the eyes of those who have found hope; who've found refuge in a man. A man they call Isa. Who I've also come to know as Isa; Jesus. Our Messiah. Our savior. Our God who came to unite us all no matter what we call ourselves or how we translate His name.

I see unity and reconciliation, and He is glorious. Hamdulillah.


*Humdulillah- Arabic for "Praise God".

Letting Go of Fear & Perfection

Hello friends!  I have been absent here for quite a while. Fall has seem to snuck up on me and it has come and gone... although here in Florida doesn't seem much like "Fall" at all, let alone Winter now.

I haven't written much lately because I never know what to write about and I feel like it will never be "perfect" to share with everyone.  Yet, I'm realizing that that is not what this blog is about.  This blog is just about me sharing my imperfect life with you-- grammatical errors and all.

I also haven't written anything because I can never decide on a topic.  That's something I struggle with- indecisiveness- and I need to work on this! I couldn't decide whether to write about the Holy Spirit, the huge problem of Nominal Christianity, how God has revealed Himself to me as a Father who actually FEELS, or Forgiveness.  All of these are too hard to choose between!  I'll just touch on some things...

I have been learning so much this past month.  God has been working on my heart and He is teaching me to trust Him and let go of so much I have been holding on to.

On that note-- Peter and I have decided to come back to YWAM after we are finished with our outreach to the Middle East.  I don't know what that will look like exactly, we are still praying for direction.  Yet, we know we are supposed to be here.  I have no idea how this will work financially... but God spoke to me and told me to just keep going back to the last thing He has told me, and the last thing He told me was to come here, so here I will stay until He calls me elsewhere!  He has been telling me to face my fears, and that is what I will do.

I want to live a courageous life for Christ.

I've also learned that God has a Father's heart.  Not like fathers here who have come so short of being perfect, but a Heavenly father who truly understands us.  He's a father who is always here for us, He cares, and He feels our pain and He experiences our joy alongside of us.  He is a Father who has the biggest heart towards His children and He always protects, provides, and loves on us (sometimes in ways we don't quite understand, or in ways we never notice).  I feel so blessed to have this perfect Father in my life.  I've yearned for this aspect of Him my whole life, and He has revealed to me that He has always been a Father to me and He will never disappoint or leave me.

My eyes have also been opening more and more each day I am here.  I explained to Peter just this morning that it feels like I have had scales on my eyes and God has had to gently peel each layer back in His timing and in a way that I can handle it.  I am outraged at some of the ways I have been viewing this world and it angers me how I have done nothing about so many injustices.

God has told His people to GO; to GO to a hurting world and to stop thinking our comfortable lives are more important than HIS calling.  The church is not meant to COME, we are meant to GO.  We come to church, come to bible studies, come to so many events... but when are we GOING?

Go to the lost
to the sick
to those who are poor in spirit
to those who have never heard of Jesus
to those who are different than you
to your enemies
Love them.

These are just a few things that have been on my heart, but it doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg.

God is working on so many aspects of my heart and I am so grateful for that.  I have a lot of learning to do, but I know that I don't ever want to look back.  I want to keep running this race and going to those that are hurting. I want to learn how to love more deeply than I've ever have and to actually experience the heart of Christ.  This is what I want for my life, and I hope that it is reflected in these words, no matter how grammatically incorrect they might be.

Love you all!
Steph

Outreach to the Middle East

Middle East-- here we come!

Bringing the light of the gospel to the hardest and darkest of places... this is what we were born for.

We are so excited to be going to the Middle East in January for two whole months! Peter and I prayed for a long time for the location of our outreach and what the Lord would have us to do, and He has clearly called us to go to these people.  I know that while we are there we will learn SO much about the people, the culture, and we will see the GREATNESS of our God.

Why the Middle East? Not sure, but I know that if we don't go, we would be in disobedience to God. And I fear that over fearing anything and anyone else in my life. I want to follow Jesus wherever He leads me, and to not sway away from that, even if that means going to a place where so many people fear because it is "unsafe" or "corrupt".  This is WHY I am a Christian-- to shine Christ's LIGHT into DARK places! This is what we were made for. Oh, and yes we are being wise about what we are doing and where we are going there.  We have some amazing leaders taking us!

Also-- the people here are so receptive to the Gospel, and they want to know who Jesus is.  Reminds me of the verse where Jesus says to His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field". -Matthew 9:34-35.  This is why we are going.  We will also be teaching them English while we are there, so we are helping them in a tangible way that will be useful for them in their everyday lives.  I can't wait for this! I never imagined I would have this opportunity.

Why go on missions in general? Because seeing God in these other nations, makes my view of Him GREATER, not smaller. He gets the MAXIMUM GLORY.

It makes me more aware that God is working in the hearts of those in other nations, and not just my own.  It makes my view of myself and my home country so much less inflated.  It reminds me that God has called every one of us Christ-followers to GO and proclaim the Gospel to every nation, tribe, and tongue.  We are all a family in Christ.  And if we don't do this, if we are not obedient to the calling He has on our lives, then how can we say that we truly love Him?  Just something that I've been thinking about.

I have great conviction of this in my heart, and I am praying diligently that others would too. Missions isn't just for some of us, it is for ALL of us.  And usually, when you reach other nations, you not only "bless" them... you get so much more blessing in return.  It's incredible. God wants us to serve Him in every aspect of life; to get out of our comfortable houses and our comfort zones; to let go of our insecurities and to let down our walls, and FOLLOW HIM.  Won't you listen?