Lingering

Sitting here in my living room and my mind won’t stop going over the past year and how I have hurt a lot of people.  I think of the ways I could have handled these certain situations differently over and over again in my mind-- but I can’t change anything.  I can’t take back what I’ve done to others-- things I’ve said, things I’ve neglected to say.  

The hurt I’ve been through is used as a victimization excuse to extend that coldness to others.

I try not to mimic the people in my life that have let me down... I try to not be like those who have turned their backs on me... yet I have.  I have been those people and I have shown this coldness to some very dear people in my life.  If you are one of those people-- I am dearly sorry.  I am sorry that I let my hurt hurt you in return.  I wish I could wind back time and do it all over again.  I wish I could put myself in your shoes in that moment that I broke your heart to pieces and remind myself that I have felt that too.

And that brokenness lingers still.  But I can’t take back what’s been done.  I am deeply sorry and I don’t expect anything to change or anything in return.

Each time I have hurt someone else, it’s usually been because of my arrogance, pride, or just because I’m honestly hurt.  I have learned, and am still learning, to look at this life through the eyes of others.  To show others grace, kindness and a love that is indescribable and pierces through every relational circumstance.  I am still learning and still failing horribly at times.  My only hope is that God (and people) will have patience with me.

And here I am in my living room, sitting on my comfy couch with my sweet kitty at my feet and my mind is racing.