Nothing Left

Do you ever wonder if you have life figured out right?

Do you know if you think of life, it’s circumstances, and the people in it, in the way that you should?  I am looking through some blogs tonight and seeing others spending their life wandering around this beautiful world and writing about how amazing it is.  They write about how inspiring it is to see how other people live.  And my heart longs to do the same.  My hearts pulls towards leaving America, the land of the privileged and self-centered; the land that I call home; the beautiful land where I have come to love... and the land that has shaped who I am and how I think of this world.  Yet-- I am left wondering if I have it all wrong.  And I know at times that I do.

I want a life full of true joy and fulfillment.  Not in things, but in people and in relationships.

I want to be used.

I want to be used up completely before I leave this beautiful world.  I want to stand (or kneel) in front of my God and know that He is proud of me-- that He is proud that I took life’s opportunities and ran with them, spreading His love and truth to each and every corner of this earth.

I want to have nothing left.

I want to see the joy on children’s faces when they see that this little, blonde, American girl who can’t speak their language came so far to see them specifically.  I want to hold their hands and walk with them, all the while wondering why they trust me so easily and quickly.  I just want to sit next to them, and as they slowly scoot closer and closer to me, smile to myself as I feel, once in my life, right where I need to be.

I want to hug the women who have such joy and peace in their life even if they don’t have shoes on their feet.  I want to see their smiles-- their wrinkled, tired, faces that reflect the grace of God.  I don’t want to miss out on this wonderful life.  It’s too short, too beautiful, and too full of amazing people and opportunities to see God work in and through others.

For now, I will keep hoping for these things and that I can also be used right where I am.

**this picture is of a little boy, Elvie, I just fell completely in love with on my first mission trip to Guatemala. I went back to his town on my last trip and was heartbroken to find out that he had moved to Guatemala city... I can only pray that God would keep him safe there and grow up to be a wonderful man of integrity.

Lingering

Sitting here in my living room and my mind won’t stop going over the past year and how I have hurt a lot of people.  I think of the ways I could have handled these certain situations differently over and over again in my mind-- but I can’t change anything.  I can’t take back what I’ve done to others-- things I’ve said, things I’ve neglected to say.  

The hurt I’ve been through is used as a victimization excuse to extend that coldness to others.

I try not to mimic the people in my life that have let me down... I try to not be like those who have turned their backs on me... yet I have.  I have been those people and I have shown this coldness to some very dear people in my life.  If you are one of those people-- I am dearly sorry.  I am sorry that I let my hurt hurt you in return.  I wish I could wind back time and do it all over again.  I wish I could put myself in your shoes in that moment that I broke your heart to pieces and remind myself that I have felt that too.

And that brokenness lingers still.  But I can’t take back what’s been done.  I am deeply sorry and I don’t expect anything to change or anything in return.

Each time I have hurt someone else, it’s usually been because of my arrogance, pride, or just because I’m honestly hurt.  I have learned, and am still learning, to look at this life through the eyes of others.  To show others grace, kindness and a love that is indescribable and pierces through every relational circumstance.  I am still learning and still failing horribly at times.  My only hope is that God (and people) will have patience with me.

And here I am in my living room, sitting on my comfy couch with my sweet kitty at my feet and my mind is racing.